nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
