My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Ladies don't puke and tell
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
