in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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