she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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