the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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