As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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