Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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