Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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