you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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