maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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