STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
