Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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