my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
