I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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