Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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