I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
