somebody snuck up and got me drunk
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize