hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
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