btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
