If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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