I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
