It's like God shit irony all over that family
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
