I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
