i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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