I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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