Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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