remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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