We won't sleep together?
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
