anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
