I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Randomize
