Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
