If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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