Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
no you cant smoke seaweed
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
