I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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