ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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