Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I'm drive I can fine osifer
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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