I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
