Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
