You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
