some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
You ruined the universe
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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