Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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