She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
