im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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