R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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