I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
