I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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