Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Randomize
