I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
