I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Randomize
