i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize