I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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