I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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