It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
