If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
