mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
