How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
