I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
