It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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