if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
