it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
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